I Love my Kids

I started this blog as a place to vent my frustration over the constant struggle between being a mother and being a filmmaker and never feeling like I do either very well. Sometimes I feel like there's a constant complaint running in my through my head - if only I had time I could make more films; if only I didn't have kids I'd have more time for me. But what I sometimes forget is to reflect on how much richer my life is with kids and how much I actually like my own. Not when they're complaining about homework, or recounting for the umpteenth time that embarrassing story of a temper tantrum I had when they were three, or when they're telling me how they wish Dad was their full-time caregiver because he never yells. It's the other times. Like when my daughter decided she didn't like the play her class was performing about the French Revolution, so she wrote her own, got all of her friends to take parts, rehearse every day at recess and then they performed it for the rest of the class. Or when she sees I'm particularly stressed and gives me a hug and a kiss, saying "I just decided to do that randomly." Or when my son stopped talking about his day in school to ask how the work on my film was going and confirmed that my new editor was working out well. They look up to me (they are only 9 after all) and I don't want to let them down. They inspire me to keep going and to be the best I can be. And they love me even when I'm not. It's that and much more that makes it all worthwhile. Until the next meltdown, anyway.

Confessions of a Juggler

I loved this article by Tina Fey in the New Yorker. Of course, if you don't subscribe to the New Yorker, you'll just get the abstract, but it's enough to get the feel of the article. (And for just how wickedly funny she is.) I subscribe to the New Yorker, but as a constant juggler (and constant "hurrier"), I left mine on a bus. (This problem, at least, will presumably go away once I get my Nook Color. Although I suspect I'll forget to charge it and will be left with a 1 pound brick in my bag.) Luckily, Melissa Silverstein pointed out the article in her blog, Women & Hollywood. And because I am a subscriber (missing magazine notwithstanding), I was able to create an account and read the digital form for free.

It's refreshing to see someone in Hollywood talk about the realities of combining career and motherhood. It does have an impact. I remember the conversations about motherhood going around when I was in my 20's - when to have kids - better to have them while you're young at the beginning of your career? Or wait until you're well established and have more power to call the shots? None of it is easy. I came to filmmaking late (meaning I didn't start in utero, like a lot of indie filmmakers these days.) I waited years to make my first short. Then I had kids. It kind of put a damper on my ability to work production jobs, where a 12-hour-day is considered short. And working production is how you meet people that you want to work with. Still, I would do it again. I have a lot of friends in the indie world who are single, unattached and live for filming. I chose to have a family. It makes doing anything harder and everything takes longer, but it makes everything worth doing in the first place.

New Year's Resolutions

I'm stealing my resolution this year from Ela Thier, another first-time female filmmaker whom I admire. I can't wait to see her film, "Foreign Letters."

"My New Year's resolution is to be exactly who I've been and do exactly what I've been doing."

Well, okay, there is one thing I'll resolve to try: to lose the moniker that my kids have given me - "Mount Cranky."

And to finish my film, "In Montauk."

So that's two things. But of course, these are things I've been doing all along. So do they count?

Cooking and Editing

I haven't been the main cook in my family since my husband took over that job over 10 years ago when he determined that my repertoire wasn't big enough for his gourmet tastes. Even after kids, he did the shopping and most of the cooking, preparing meals that can be reheated quickly. Turns out that his repertoire of kid-friendly foods isn't big enough for them. So, I've gone back to the kitchen for all of us. Causing me to re-juggle my time once again. I have a sense of what the kids will like and am usually successful when I try something new for them. My husband has thinner skin and gets discouraged after one rejection.

In addition to my added kitchen duties, I'm editing my own feature film and overseeing the edit of a short film that was begun two and a half years ago and only recently finished filming. Each time I serve up a new edit to a test audience in hopes of being finished, I find that the mix isn't quite right. It doesn't quite speak to them, they can't relate, or they are bored. And those are some of the nicer comments. Each time, I lick my wounds and go back and try again. I can only hope that like with the meals I serve to my kids, I will figure out what will appeal to my audience and get to that final cut. If not, like with my meals, I will go back in and try again.

And if you're in the market for good 30-minute recipes that are kid and adult-friendly, I recommend The Best 30-Minute Recipe from Cook's Illustrated. It's become my food bible.